The Final Night! - Rob Smith

Gorkys needed to win both games whilst the Neopolitans had to lose a game to give the guys any kind of chance of taking the title. On the night it was the Neo's who once again proved that they were the better team. They won both of their games whilst the Gorkys could only fight for the runners up spot. On a night when 5 of 6 teams could have possibly have ended up being relegated Gorkys needed to win at least one game to beat the drop and then get at least a point in the second game to take 2nd spot. They beat Blue Mondays 2-0 but after going 2-0 down and battling back to 2-2 in the second game against Stanley Mansions, they eventually lost 3-2. Fortunately superior goal difference secured them the runners up spot.

Gorkys - meanest defense in the league, but struggling to find the net at the other... let's move on to next season - quickly!

25.06.08 Are you a budding GFC Gladiator? - Bart Ruspoli

Gorky’s are looking for a new Left Sided defender that can also play in Midfield to replace the outgoing John Lally, who will be transferring to Milan come end of the year.

A basic level of talent is required. You will be asked to prove your skill on the pitch.

Other requirements are:

1) You will be asked to “Get Ink”. This will involve a tattoo reading GFC in Times New Roman 36 point font. Bold. The tattoo will be inscribed by Ben Davies. Please note that Ben has no formal training as a tattoo artist whatsoever.

2) To prove your adeptness at the GFC lifestyle you will be asked to abide by the same diet as Ben Davies for the 2 weeks prior to your Skills test on the pitch. Please be advised that all doctors that have been consulted on this initiation rite have been unanimous in their replies. “Why not ask them to swim naked in a cesspit with their mouths open while your at it?”

3) You will be required to take smoking training from James Healy. Breathing is the core of running and running the core of football and football the core of Gorkys.

4) Shave Will Villiers’s body. This is necessary as GFC takes personal hygiene very seriously. This is a 6 months sabbatical

5) Master the Ruspoli stepover as a requirement of your basic skill training. This will take several weeks to master, but once mastered will take merely days to complete. Group harmony is important. This way you can take the piss out of him along with everybody else and not feel left out.

6) Go on the pull with Ben Harding and Marwan Bateh and learn from their mistakes. Please be advised this will not result in sex of any kind except for that with Mrs Palm and her five daughters.

7) Gaze at Rob Bladen’s lips for 30 minutes without laughing. Especially important when playing Broomwood Rovers. You cant laugh at the opposition, it’s demeaning to them and us, especially if we lose.

8) Master the art of timekeeping with Shane Taylor. A late GFC is a true GFC.

All applicants please email the webmaster.

11.06.08 Ben Harding: Too good looking? - Rob Smith

Gorkys charismatic attacking, defending, midfield maestro and occasional drunk Ben Harding has parted with 75% of his hair after a breakdown in talks led to a split. A spokesman for Harding revealed that during a recent match a sudden change of styling had made it almost impossible for him to run with a tail wind. The missing hair has since gone into hiding but is rumoured to have a secured a highly lucrative deal as an accountant for Jude Law, with a view to covering any further losses for the beleaguered actor.

15.05.08 Ten years of the GFC! - Bart Ruspoli

Happy birthday legendary GFC!!! Ruspoli, Taylor, Roberts, Camelli, Davies, Mike Jarvis, Bladen. The legendary first line up! It is now ten years to the day that Ruspoli and Roberts, freed from the shackles of Drama school and oblivious to the shackles of matrimony, and with nary a care in the world except maybe some lady-love, found themselves as out of work actors sitting on a kitchen bench in a wannabe Italian playboy billionaire pseudo music mogul’s besement apartment. Bored and with the prospect of no lady-love and no work they decide to form a five a side team. The interweb machine that we all love and hate and love to love or love to hate was a thing of the future. Much like the shackles of matrimony. In fact Dan Roberts didn’t have to run off anywhere that day, so the next 3 minutes were spent trawling through Time Out. A League was found down in Putney, an indoor league, run by a company called TGI Thursday. So entered the team was after a 30 second debate about what the team should be called. Gorky’s was settled upon quickly. There was lady-love to be found after all.

So in the spirit of the Gorky’s decade we shall revisit the fallen members of the team, with brief commentary on their contributions:

Mike Jarvis, goalkeeper, A legend when he had 15 pints, heroin, cocaine, XTC, and lighter fluid inside him.

Frank Camelli, opposition, so bad he must have been playing for the other side. Traded on a free transfer to the pavement out front the gym we played in.

Chris Jarvis, midfield. Hard tackling midfielder. A Gorky Legend. Lives in Spain. Likes tapas.

Niccolo Camerana, Forward. Italian. Right foot was called “The Hammer”, left foot “The Sledgehammer”. Nuff said.

Chris Smith, Defence. Great anticipation. Good tackling. Looked so ordinary you sometimes forgot about him. Referred to in Gorky’s circles as “that mate of Chris’s. Good defender”.

Niall Macintyre, midfielder. Handy player. Psychopath. Unreliable.

Sean Millard, Defence. Played twice. Gorky’s management then attempted to trade him in an attempt to resign Camelli. Pavement turned down offer.

Nick Aaron, Defence. Bald Welsh Shaolin wannabe. Gorky’s management then attempted to trade him in an attempt to resign Millard. Pavement turned down offer.

Michele Balaratti, Midfield. Italian. Amamzing skills, good strength. Played once then claimed by marriage. Shame. Could have been somebody.

Chris Day, Midfield. Good hustle. Good feet. Good all round. Moved abroad. A solid string of appearances for the GFC.

Omar El Haq, goalkeeper. “The Egyptian magician” Nice bloke. Not bad. Solid job. Still on the ringer list.

Kevin Pamplin, Midfield. Didn’t make the skill grade. Spurs fan. Probably why.

Greig Macdonald, midfield. Fitness lacking. Prone to hysterical bouts of laughter, followed by hysetrical bouts of laughter. Faded into obscurity. Believed to be working in Jersey.

The fallen ladies and gents. May the GFC live on FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!

15.02.08 Ben Davies Goes Missing! - W. Villiers

Ben Davies has reportedly gone missing, shortly after this photo was taken.
\

 

Oh wait, he's been seen near the fag machine, scrounging biftas. Sorry.

10.2.08 Davies plays in goal, Goal calls police - B. Ruspoli

News is filtering through Reuters of shocking scenes at the Wandle football ground.

Apparantely, due to Bladen’s inability too play two weeks ago, Ben Davies played in goal. These shocking developments were kept under wraps by manager A.Whankor, however, it now seems there is a whistleblower. Doug the ref actually. Allegedly, Davies, suffering from characteristic lung trouble, was unable to run. He then opted to play in goal. After several attempts by the goal to scale the net behind the fence, (Reports suggesting that the goal uttered pleas for mercy are unfounded), the goal was secured and the game went ahead. Ben Davies was subsequently bed-ridden for several days.

A.Whankor is stated as saying “Considering Ben is clinically dead I think he did quite well.”

Sketchy reports are also appearing on Reuters claiming that Will Villliers is about to buy Peru in order to quarantine Davies. More as soon as we have it.

26.11.07 Shocking new Hindenburg evidence! - Will Villiers

In an amazing, unprecedented, turn of events, shocking new evidence has come to light as to why the tragic and famed Hindenburg caught fire and crashed. Debate still rages over this, with many theories put forward in books and movies, with most pointing to sabotage citing two major suspects; Eric Spehl and Joseph Spah. Now a third suspect has been put forward after the discover in an attic of the photo on the right. Ben Davies.

The photo seems to show Gorky's legendary midfielder with a lit cigarette caught accidentally by the photographer as he turns from the horrific spectacle, squinting in the flash.

The collector who owns the photograph, and who has chosen to remain nameless, submitted the photograph to the police when he discovered the photo in his attic whilst searching for his porn stash.

Police are taking the photo seriously given that A) Davies looks shifty and B) Being a communist, it gives him a motive in anti-nazi acts.

Supporter of Davies, Simeon Tash the well known Uberfan and Conspiracy Theory expert, believes police are hunting Davies erroneously: "Think about it he said" from his house "The Fortress of Solitude" in Barnes, "Ben's never had a lighter with which to light his cigarette, so how could he do it?"

Police agree that this is a sticking point but they are countering this with the belief that Davies was a hired gun because, added to the lack of lighter, he never pays for his own cigarettes. These facts lead them to believe that Davies was supplied the equipment he allegedly used (the cigarette) by a third party. They are also stumbling on the fact that the Hindenburg disaster happened a clear 60 years before Davies was born but are investigating the well known fact that Davies will go to any lengths to get a light, citing the time that Davies was polite to a woman in order to get a match. On this basis, they argue, travelling through time would be a doddle for the Gorkys man.

Scotsmen are the Hardest! - Bart Ruspoli

Lally - To hard for flash photography

Finally, irrefutable evidence is found at The
Wandle centre in Wandsworth, London

We all knew, deep down, that despite the fact that they wear skirts, the Scots are the hardest of the hard. However, the scientific evidence, that many sought but nobody found, has finally surface on our beloved five-a-side
pitches.

John Lally, Gorky's stalwart utility full-back and stand-in Midfield dynamo, shunned the Scottish omerta, and gave us that proof. The electricity that fills the air when the winds of change blow, was as charged as the defibrelator kept pitch-side for Davies in the October night. Somethingwas up and everybody knew it. Then John Lally, amidst his usual threats toteam-mates, opposition, referee, turf, football and his own jock-strap,
started leathering the ball for all it was worth, usually onto the pitchb over in Battersea.

Something was up. As our regular readers know, John Lally, although prone to barbaric violence towards footballs, usually finds the net. (This, we are led to believe, because a net in Glasgow once tripped him up as he was walking to an Old firm Derby. Thus making him late for kick
off by 2 seconds. A slight which Lally has found unforgivable to all nets everywhere, and such are the ferocities of his left foot that a net seldom survives more than two matches.) But not so last night. Not so. Then the moment everyone knew was coming: That moment of rock hard toughness in the face of totalitarian authority, without regard for personal safety,
reputation and some may say even sanity, that proves that age old saying.

Gorky's having taken the lead in the The Elms Wandsworth Late summer five-a-side knockout competition one day event against Broomwood Rovers, one minute after half-time, give away a free kick. The referee indicates the spot. Yes, the ref. that symbol of totalitarian authority, of football dictatorship, feared by all, respected by few, brandisher of the infamous
red card, giver of penalties, master of the whistle. The Broomwood player goes to take the Kick, but Lally hasn't retreated the mandatory two yards. "Move away white!" the call echoes. Lally doesn't move. From the touchlines Ruspoli and Bateh see his eyes unfocus, his brow furrow..."White, two yards!"..the refs hand moves to his pocket...only Lally's lips move in
silent Highland dialect..."John Move! He'll bin you!" Cries Ruspoli. "White move away!" Lally stays put. The card comes out, Lally, unbelievably remains unmoved, and mutters something unheard by his teammates. The Broomwood player on the ball does however, and shock followed by awe bordering on Gay love crosses his face. The proof??? I hear you scream, "Where is it????"

When I approached the Broomwood player after the final whistle and asked him, sottovoce, what Lally said: the Broomwood player looked me in the eyes, tears welling up in his. And with his voice cracking with emotion "You may take my game, but not my freedom" and then the Broomwooder burst into uncontrollable sobbing.

And this reporter confesses that he did too.....

17.09.07 - Wash your mouth out! - W. Villiers

Ben Davies, who's medical hit list includes such greats as "Basically if I eat that I die", "My nails are falling out", "Hysterical Pregnancy" and the number one hit "Oh God, My Kidneys" has a new hit called "Trench Mouth". Fans of Davies work have proclaimed this his best in some time. Team manager A. Whankor said "It's typical of Ben's style. Most would have gone for the easier "Trench Foot" but Ben has always gone against the grain. Perhaps it's his socialist leanings". Needless to say fans are confused about this latest hit but the word from Davies PR people, Dave the Tesco Tramp PR Ltd, have confirmed that Ben is indeed "heavily invested" in "Trench Mouth" and "has gone to Cornwall to get it completed". Critics think that Davies is only after more money and has lost his true roots in basic medical complaints by looking at the more exotic end of the market. Some more cynical members of the press would agree, citing his new and lucrative sponsorship deal with HAZMAT and feel that this is only a publicity drive for his latest book "Home is where my heart was" a damning insight into the organ black market. Parents of impressionable children who have been following Ben's hits are getting worried about the influence Davies has been having and are concerned about the recent government order that Davies tattoos a bio-hazard sign onto his forehead. One mother said "This is all I need, my son already has asthma and is looking to follow in Davies' footsteps with nits! The last thing I want is for him to come back with a tattoo on his bloody forehead!". Needless to say Davies was unavailable for comment, largely due to him being unable to speak in case his jaw falls off.

15.07.07 - Gorkys go Welsh, sheep in hiding. - W. Villiers

Well it had to happen, another Gorky is sucked in by the call of the wedding bells. Having already lost Taylor, Villiers and Roberts to bacherlorhood, Rob Bladen is now about to say "I, er........line!" (actor's gag there readers). Best Man, Villiers, was charged with the usual duties regarding Stag Dos but due to the old rule of "What goes on tour, stays on tour" is unable to relate too much of the detail other than to say the following words..."doorway", "chubby girl", "chav" and "fisting". It must be pointed out here that the aforementioned words are not in anyway related to any of the Gorkys. "Inappropriate" and "chilly-sauce" should be mentioned to. The usual activities were enjoyed with an obligatory trip to a five a side pitch that even Dan Roberts played on. Taylor had to be crow-barred of the pitch at the end of play but a good mix of Gorkys and celebrity hangers on ensured an enjoyable game before we went out for a meal, and then out on the town where NOTHING HAPPENED. Next morning we partook of paintball. Great team work from Villiers and Ruspoli in the first thirty seconds a game ensured a great flanking manouever right up until Bart ran off without warning. Several seconds later, he returned walking having been shot many times in the face. His bruises were a picture but interestingly, most of the bruises from where the paintballs had hit him were in the back. Then there was go-karting. Oh dear me you should have seen it. Bart "Alonso" Ruspoli started brightly, pointing out everyone's mistakes and using the line "Karting is all about weight, so Will's fucked" to ingratiate himself with his cousin (which is why I'm picking on him in this story). Ruspoli then commented on the use of the racing line and how only he had got it right. Cut to final, Ruspoli comes a lowly third. Still better than Villiers, but not the first he thought he was going to get. Was it, Bart? Eh? The video (which you will never see) will show his magnificent fall from grace. The video you can see either here or by viewing it at our youtube site here gives a quick insight to a night out with the Gorkys. Dan Roberts, Ben Davies and celebrity hanger-on Grant Thompson are shown.

02.07.07 - Rumour mill works overtime, workers plan strike. - W.Villiers

Well this rumour has suffered more chinese whispers than a Hong Kong library. William Villiers is reported to be coming back to England for a transfer fee in the 12 million pound region. Whilst desperate times have called for desperate measures (including Bart Ruspoli scoring a winning goal) fans remain sceptic about a myriad of things, but mainly Villiers' ability to run for more than 17 seconds without needing subsitution. A. Whankor is quick on the rebuttal; "Look at the last seaons stats. I mean ignore the goal difference and final position and that but look at Jimmy Healy. Top scorer with 14 goals in 12 games and that man doesn't run more than 15 centimetres in any one game". Club Captain, Bart "Legs" Ruspoli declined to comment but midfield general Ben Davies was sais "12 fucking million quid?..." unfortunately the rest was unintelligible due to the foam around Davies' mouth. He was later taken to the psychiatric ward at Kensington and Chelsea Hospital where he remains under observation. Will the rumour be proved true? Time will tell but it may be a lot of time.

21.05.07 - Wembley - it's back. - W. Villiers (Click pictures for larger images).

Where to begin on this one? I suppose the best way to start is with the question "Was it worth the wait?" but that is really two questions; "Is it good?" and "Should it have taken this long". The answer to the first is most emphatically "Yes". Wembley is now unequivocally the best football stadium in Britain (and yes I am including the Millennium Stadium in this) and certainly in the top three of Europe and the boys, as they say, done good. There were 89,826 kids in a very large glass, steel and tiled candy store on the 19th and all of them sufferingfrom "guppy mouth". Of course there are a few raised eyebrows at the supposed "Shadow-free" pitch which was anything but and the so called closing roof that doesn't actually close. In fact the roof is somewhat a metaphor for the way the build was handled, in that it goes half way and then stops, doing just enough to cover the crowd. The answer to the second question is no, of course not. It is shameful how long it took to build this stadium. When they started, Bob still had a hairline worth speaking of and I weighed a reasonable metric tonne. The FA, Wembley Ltd and Multiplex have made a mockery of a great place and embarrassed fans of the FA Cup by forcing the cup final to Wales' Millennium stadium. The blame game was played with almost as much tactical expertise as the two managers of this final and had as much finger pointing and shouting to boot. The opening date debacle cause more "will they, won't they" moments than the Ross and Rachael relationship in "Friends" but was more panto than panting in anticipation. It is a shame that Wembley, at least initially, will be remembered primarily for this.

The road is long...
The approach to Wembley has been handled sensitively and whilst they have given little room to car parking, much bemoaned by fans who's grasp of the logistics of parking 90,000 cars in a residential area is so blinkered it's almost endearing (Club Wembley members get a parking slot per seat by request), there is ample room for coaches and the public transport facilities are almost ludicrous in their abundance. The stadium has many entrances, which can be accessed from three levels and all around the stadium but the best way to enter is to use Wembley Way, now known as Olympic Way.Even if you attended Wembley before the rebuild, you should, nay must do this. To get any idea of the scope of the stadium and to take in the massive, awe inspiring, arch, one has to walk down Wembley Way and you have to stand back. Way back. One photographer I saw trying to take a picture of his friend and getting the whole stadium in at the same time had to stand somewhere in the region of 40 feet away from said friend, and even then he was struggling. He was more than 200 metres from the entrance. All of this means that you get an instant feeling of how very, very small you are, but this is fine because at the same time you realise you are a part of something monumental in history and size.

 

Open wide and say "ahhhh"
Once you pass well posted abundance of information points (crowded) and take the obligatory photo of the statue of Bobby Moore (more crowded), get a coffee (revolting) and a hot dog (more revolting) you can enter the stadium itself. Entering Wembley is like being swallowed by the whale that haunted Ahab's dreams and you are greeted by more glass, steel, concrete and glossy tiling than you can shake a wooden leg at. It's a very sleek, very modern and very very cool interior and once again, information points were all over the place, making it almost impossible to get lost. One of the main concerns of those in charge was that the stadium would be able to cater to 90,000 people and here they have exceeded themselves by providing a plethora of restaurants and eateries. I ate at a carvery where two sausage and mash lunches cost a frightening £16. Whilst eating this out of a tinfoil container with wooden cutlery, I consoled myself by giggling at what those eating in the "Champagne and Seafood" restaurant must have been forkingout. There's no doubt that money is being made here and a conservative estimate at £50 a head being spent (programmes themselves cost £10) means a concession day take of about 4.5 million pounds; the goose that cost a lot to be fed is now laying those golden eggs. This was planned to be more than people expected and here I think Wembley has succeeded. Just the sheer magnificence of the stadium, its continental feel, clean without being sterile, brand new and so old at the same time, it combines these flavours like a cordon bleu chef and creates an exceptional experience. Whilst is was nice to see the gliterrati of the footballing world, the opening ceremony was a mild diversion at best and frankly they could have done much better than the predictable trotting out of footballing legends, trips down memory lane and giant balls filled with helium (or pundits' hot air) with some spandex clad dancers.Even the official opening by HRH Prince William (my 7th cousin by the way), a moment you would think most fans would respect, was drowned out by the Man Utd supporters singing "Stand up for the Champions".

 

The match fails to set alight.
It is exasperating when trying to light a match by repeatedly striking it on the sandpaper strip and failing to get a spark. This is how the final felt. Granted there were moments of excitement,most ended by an offside decision, and no doubt Drogba's goal was well taken but overall the match was dull. Tired players, a pitch that was treacherous, despite looking good, and uninspired management meant the final was tame. However the view from where I was sitting (halfway line, second tier) was spectacular and I didn't miss a single thing even if there wasn't a single thing to miss. The seats were comfortable enough and the crowd was well marshalled meaning little if any trouble.

 

Medals of honour.
The match ended after extra time and it was amazing how quickly the west stand emptied. The defeated Reds came up the 107 steps to get their medals and it has to be said that the look on their exhausted faces as the announcer gleefully pointed out that they had to climb the "historic" 107 steps was brilliant. The players came past my seats to collect their medals. After seeing the special one lift the cup, I was off back to Gatwick and back to Jersey. It had been an amazing day and I am so glad that one day, when they are old enough to understand the ramblings of their old man, I can tell my children (and anyone else that will listen) that I was at the first FA Cup at the new Wembley. It is often said that Wembley was the home of English football but Pele said it better when he called it the church of football. He was right. Today's world sees people losing their faith in religion and seeking to place it somewhere else. Football, for many people, is that place. That faith, in our team, is why we get so worked up about it, why we rejoice when they win and mourn when they lose. Wembley is back, and it proves two things; bigger IS better and, despite what Thomas Woolfe may think, you can come home.

15.05.07 - Gorkys are on their way to Wembley! - W. Villiers

Well that's not strictly true of course. One Gorky is on his way to Wembley. Will Villiers, the estranged Striker/Defender is on his way to Wembley courtesy of a pair of debenture seats in the Executive Gold box, on the halfway line next to the Royal Box. Villiers will be atending the FA Cup final on the 19th of May with his father in law (and yes he is earning some serious "brownie" points). The day starts with a plane trip from Villiers' island to Gatwich and a drive in a car up to the stadium. Therein a couple of free programs, a nice meal in one of the many restaurants followed by the game. Of course full photos and a report will be upcoming so watch this space!

0.8.03.07 - More big signings for Gorkys. - W. Villiers

After the wake of the somewhat humiliating 5 - 1 loss to No F in Talent, the Gorkys have managed to secure more big name signings for the team. William Villiers has employed scouts to secure these signatures and, quite frankly, he's come up with some crackers that will hopefully inspire the Gorkys to a strong finish and, hopefully, top spot in the league. The old Gorkys shirt, still recognised as the best Gorkys shirt of all time and now famous within footballing circles has garnered 4 more signatures. Zidane, Roy Keane, Alan Kennedy and Ronaldhino have all signed the shirt. Rumour has it that the shirt is fast becoming the stuff of legend as, before he signed it, one unamed footballer had said he had already heard about the shirt some months ago! Even if untrue, it would be hard to deny that the number 4 shirt is fast becoming legend in the history of fooball. Click here to see the new additions to the shirt, as well as the older signatures, obtained during the Fifa 100 best players awards.

05.03.07 - Ruspoli to be Camp Interior Designer. - W. Villiers

Reports are coming in that Gorkys defender and club captain, Bart Ruspoli, is to become a camp interior designer. Overheard to say in a pub that "there's a lot of money in daytime TV" and "look at that flouncing Llewellyn Bowen", the Gorkys are concerned for their rightback. Contradicting rumours suggest that the people who overheard the comments misunderstood and that Ruspoli was talking about his upcoming role in Eastenders and not, in fact, about being an effete designer with hair like a 70's female pornstar and cuffs the size of Belgium. Of course rumours are hotly denied by the Gorky's manager A. Whankor who said "Bart Ruspoli is all man, let me tell you! Don't be fooled by his role as a sexually confused zombie, I have seen him in the showers, soaping himself down and helping Rob Smith reach his hard to reach bits. He even bends down to pick the soap up occasionally, and if that isn't a gentleman I don't know what is!". Suffice it to say that the proof will be in the pudding, or rather the telly, on the 19th of March when the episode featuring Rupoli will be aired. Along with his closet's clothes, no doubt.

26.02.07 - Gaol not Goal for Ben "Laden" Davies - W. Villiers

Well we have been literally inundated with literally a vote. After much umming and ahhing, it has been decided that the goal last week, formerly attributed to Davies, will be marked as an own goal by the opposition keeper. This will come as a shock to Davies who stood fast by his claims of it being his goal. Davies has been resolute in his opinion, this despite having fans picketing outside his house with "Own up Ben" banners, someone painting "Ben Laden" on his house in 10 feet high letters and several sky-writing planes going one better with 30 metre high letters saying "Ben, stop lying, you know it was an own goal you maloderous runt". No one is sure who employed the sky-writer, but Bart Ruspoli has been heard to mutter "Broke", "Living on Celery" and "Davies is a lying maloderous runt".

 

19.02.07 - Gorky's split (Not as tasty as the Banana variety) W. Villiers

The Gorkys have split. Three sides have emerged. One side think that Ben Davies scored the goal, one side thinks the Goalkeeper fumbled it into his own net and Ben Davies thinks it was a cracking shot from miles out that tore the air asunder and the very power of it stung the keeper's hands and the sound of the speed barrier being broken by the ball momentarily distracted the keeper, allowing the rocket like shot toscream into the bottom right corner. For the first time EVER in Gorky's history, video evidence is now being considered to determine by vote who is right. Unless of course Jimmy Healy,Dan Roberts or Bart Ruspoli manned the camera, in which case we are reduced to a series of competitions, each more fiendish than the last. Either way, the decision will be made and either Ben Davies will emerge exonerated and with the applause and blowjobs he deserves or he will be cast aside as a mewling child.

8.01.07 - 'Tis the Season to have Healy... - W. Villiers

The new season has begun and Gorkys undertake a monumental task...to retain the league title that they won under such epic style and with such toying of emotion. This season though there is a crucial difference. The Postman, James Healy, is back. Although many have argued that his absence for the majority of the last season WAS the crucial difference, Healy remains adamant that he is back to form. "I'm back to form" he said. So there you have it, straight from the horse's arse...er...mouth.. Gorky's physio miss S. Wedishwhore has been paying particular attention to Healy's complaints but said she was unable to do anything about his work hours or the rash he's been suffering. Gorkys manager A. Whankor was quoted as saying "It's nice to have Jim back on the field, he's been away too long. Frankly it will be nice to have a replacement for Bateh, who is only in the team for cheap car rental". Speculation is rife about Healy's ability to take the Gorky's back to the top but what is certain is that Gorkys will hope to avoid the humiliation with their "Postman" as Kevin Costner suffered with his.

27.11.06 - Gorky's BSA...I mean...Gorky's Triumph! - W. Villiers

Who would have thunk it? Gorkys have triumphed in the Late Summer 2006 season and by doing so unleashed a scene of decadent debauchery not seen since Ben Davies and Bart Ruspoli went for a coffee in Amsterdam and returned to the hotel with two sheep, a pint of vodka and a dose of syphillis.

Gorkys beat all the odds, (all the odds are not a team, you understand) to win both the Division 1 and Premiership trophies in a double reminiscient of their victories in the cup and leauge of Late Summer 2004 which means it has taken Gorkys 2 years to win any silverware.

Was it worth the wait? Of course it was. Club Captain Bart Ruspoli was seen to live up to the stereotype of Italians with a peformance that was so animated, Pixar would have been jealous. Team Captain, Shane Taylor, cavorted in a typically understated way with his trademark worriedly bemused but happy expression he always uses in times like this. Marwan Bateh was heard to shout "COME ON ENGLAND!" before remembering he was American, whereupon he shouted "HELL YEAH SUKKAS" to go back to his gangsta roots. Or something. Ben Davies reenacted Bobby Charlton's famous collapse to the floor after the World Cup Final of 1966, not through tribute, but through his legs' inability to hold him up any longer. Rob Bladen just smiled maniacly at everyone and shouted "YEEEAAAHHH!". John Lally puffed on his pipe with the satisfied and job well done expression that he adapts to show his mature superiority.

And what of Villiers you say? Well, he's just a man who types the stories up and does the website. Destined now never to return to the field for Gorkys, forgotten, sidelined and succumbed to the concept that he will never pull on the G-Boys shirt again.

 

 

Or will he...........

10.11.06 Goal of the Season Competition! - W. Villiers

Gorkys' first Goal of the Season Competition is open and boy is it a belter. 10 goals to chose from, not all of them Shane Taylor's, and if you back the winner and your details are picked at random from the competition then you, my friend, could be the proud owner of a £50 note! Entry couldn't be simpler. Simply watch the video on the GOTS competition page and vote for your favourite by clickin on the email link below your goals letter. Don't forget to include your details or we can't include you in the £50 draw! Winner's will be notified after 1 month from the 10th of November 2006 (ie the 10th December 2006) by email and payment details will be taken then.

Good luck!

07.11.06 Gorkys enjoy Porn, Cock, Tail - B. Ruspoli

Vicious rumour spread by the Neopolitans? Case of mistaken identity? Or truth?
This reporter hopes, for the Gorky’s sake, that it is true.
Four members of the Gorky’s team were spotted at the launch of Orchid entertainment last Thursday. Orchid is the European wing of Vivid Entertainment, and is to the discerning gentleman's, gentleman's library what Ben Davies is to Socialism. The real fucking deal.
An evening of free Vodka, groping of Breasts and Arses, most notably that of Brazilian Porn star “Rio”, poledancers that are more flexible than Smith in goal, and general merriment and salivating over...women...(I run dry of superlatives at this point) made for a memorable evening.
It is still unclear as to who the fourth Member of Gorky’s FC was. Speculation is rife. One theory is that the only person capable of attending said event on such short notice is Villiers. Due to the size of his wallet. Not his cock. However other people claim that the best tackle of the bunch is Lally. And here, again, we mean in the playing sense. Not cock. And we all know the “Hard” men get into these do’s. (Note: Again, here we mean toughness, strength, pain threshold. Not cock.) The small men don’t, so Smith is ruled out, on this most people agree. (Note: here we DO mean cock.) Shane Taylor is a known Connoisseur of adult entertainment and his name was at the top of the guest list. He even had a reserved table, a petit Blonde porn star known only as “Sophie” and a tub of something with a discreetly placed label. This reporter saw "Sophie" in tears at the announcement over the public address system that he would not be attending the soiree. It will please the readers of Gorkysfc.com that this reporter also saw “Sophie” eating “Rio”’s tits. In the words of Borat: “Is Nice!!!!!”. Alas no flash was allowed inside nor was any flash-photography so this reporter has no pictures to offer.
Everybody agrees on one thing however: The fourth Gorky’s member present was DEFINITELY NOT Daniel Roberts. Read the breaking news of his ruptured ACL in my colleague's article. Whoever the fourth Gorky’s was he sure did well Sticking his finger up the Pornstar “Lilly”’s arse. Top Work Sir!

06.11.06 Lights go out at Battersea, Police in the dark - W. Villiers

The lights went out at The Elm's Battersea pitches plunging the penultimate weeks play into darkness. This has a knock on effect for the boys of Wandle as their league is to be delayed by a week to enable the Battersea (or Batty) boys to finish their league.
Gorkys manager, A. Whankor, said "The Battersea League is to Wandle what the Scottish First Division is to the Premiership; totally fucking insignificant. They should just pack it in as it only takes up time on Soccer Saturday's result panel whilst everyone in the known world is waiting for the results that matter".
Police have few clues but have announced that a card left at Battersea claiming responsibility in the name of the "Red Fox" (as opposed to the rarer green fox of course) has warned of more disruption ahead. Coincidentally, Gorkys midfield maestro, Ben Davies, appeared late for the Gorkys fixture on the same night. When questioned, Davies merely grunted something about "Hate World", "Revenge Soon" and "Oh, God, my kidneys are killing me tonight".

23.10.06 Gorkys push pole. Pole not suing. - W. Villiers

An ongoing struggle for premiership credentials is emerging at the Wandle centre in London. Gorkys, recently promoted after languishing in ignomy in division 1, have battled undefeated to the top and promotion to the premiership. After their first week in the top flight and still unbeaten at the time of writing we must sit back and take stock of what has brought around so great a change. Firstly there is the new blood. Lally and Bateh. Both formidable, both fitter than the average Gorky but crucially both foreign; Bateh being from the US of A and Lally being from a place where "Tossing the Caber" isn't a euphemism. This has given rise to speculation that Gorky's erstwhile manager, A. Whankor, is looking to foreign parts because they can reach the parts that other players can't. Or something like that. A. Whankor disagrees "Bollocks" he said. A cutting and insightful argument from the manager that left critics reeling. Mainly from his breath. Some would say there was poetic justice that CC Ruspoli scored on the last night of the proms but others would point out that Gorkys were playing the Huddersfield Grammar School Under 5 Blind Team. Finishing off the season with what the Gorkys call the "Bo Derek", or the perfect 10, was a message to the premiership teams from this bunch of Dudley Moores that read "We are coming". Kind of like a bad porno dub then.

21.10.060 6 months gone but now its back! - W. Villiers

No, we arent' talking about Bart's scoring a goal. The Gorkys website is up and running again after a major revamp and content change. We have kept the news section but virtually all the other sections have been revamped and we've even added new sections like highlights and competitions! However the most radical change is the squad itself with two new faces (to be seen in the players section) John Lally and Marwan Bateh. The new site promisises to be better kept and updated faster.

21.04.06 Well wishing at wishing well - Anon.

Reports have been coming in of discontentment. That is to say a maligned prsioner is unhappy about his camping arangements. On another more irrelevant note, sources at the Gorkys training ground known as "A magical place where the happy man lives in gumdrop house on lollipop lane" have been whispering that re-instated Club Captain, Bart Ruspoli, is unhappy that stand-in CC Will Villiers has not yet passed on good wishes to our intrepid chaps.
Some are saying it's down to jealousy, others that the postal service in Jersey still rely on Donkeys, Pigeons and (when things are really busy) Asmathic Shrews to deliver any sort of message. "The Stig" Wiliam "Cockney" Villiers was unavailable to comment from his mansion in the tax haven of Jersey because he is dead. (Sorry that should read as "Too busy partying with Hugh Hefner and driving fast cars). Ruspoli stands by his sense of outrage "Fuck him," he said "All this time Villiers has been telling us he supports the club and all along he's losing his gentleman's relish over some birds inflatable fun-lumps. What a cock. And he's a dick too!".

21.04.06 Two for the Price of None - B Ruspoli

Gorky's have signed American centre back Marwan "Sasquash" Karim Bateh. No, seriously he's American. Honest. I swear on George Bush's life. As American as an Iraqi Oil Derrick. The Jacksonville, Florida, generously called "stocky" defensive dynamo was signed from the recently defunct Enteprise rent-a-car team. Enterprise's team went bust after reports that players were spending precious company funds on numerous emails detailing their athletic prowess. The transfer fee is undisclosed but it is rumored to comprise a detailed dossier on Easyrent-a-car's new pricing policy and a half eaten tuna and sweetcorn sandwhich which is probably still O.K. to eat. If you're a dog.
Additionally, it must be stated that this reporter found now substantiation to the claim that Gorky's have signed John "Runny Scots" Lallie to replace the recently injured Daniel Roberts. Roberts broke his Anterior cruciate ligament, cartilage and fragmented bone on his left leg whilst standing on the touchline shouting abuse at "Statutti" Ruspoli.

18.04.06 New site up and running - W Villiers

The Gorkys site has been given a facelift with new look graphics but the same old shit content.

12.07.04 Championay! - W Villiers

Gorkys have retaken the Elms Wandsorth 5-a-side Championship and the Cup Knockout Trophy doing the double in Villiers' first and last season in charge.. After almost a year of nothing positions, Gorkys have reclaimed the title with an outstanding nine point lead. Having taken over the Club Captaincy after the position was vacated by the Italian, Villiers was eager to bring back the glory days and boy did he succeed. Team Captain Taylor was to lead by example with his league total of 18 goals, despite being absent for 3 weeks of the season.
Things were looking decidedly unhopeful at the outset of the season. Gorkys had lost their Ruspoli rock at the back. Villiers, sometimes striker but mainly midfielder, was elected to take his position. Initially Villiers felt uncomfortable in the position and had a tendency to drift to the middle but under the wing of the seasoned Taylor, he blossomed into a Tony Adams-esque defender. He even scored the odd goal here and there notching up a respectable 5.
Davies was oustanding in the mid-field and his consistent tenacity and brilliant ball control often led to Gorkys goals.Dominance in the style of Patrik Viera puts him firmly in contention for Player of the Season.
Newish between the sticks, Robert Bladen was almost unbeatable. When in goal he conceded only 15 (FIFTEEN!) goals in 27 matches (the 28 against was with Villiers conceding over half that number in one night!) this is another Player of the Season contender.
It was nice to see James "The Postman" Healy come through for Gorkys and, for once, be up front for an entire season. Often, too often for some, his left foot and eye for goal was the difference between a loss, a win and a draw scoring 14 goals for the season.
Nothing can be said about the Taylorman that hasn't already been written in papers or shouted on the terraces of Wandle. Exemplary timing, positioning and marksmanship once again earned him the Golden boot with his tally of 18 goals for the season
The opening of the season belied the lack of confidence Gorkys felt. Going into the first three matches Gorkys took humble steps onto the pitch against last season's runners up, Clapham Comets. 12 minutes later those humble steps had a spring in them as Clapham were defeated 2 - 0. Gorkys went on to be undefeated in 8 straight games.
Then, disaster struck. Bladen out for the third week. Taylor similarly indisposed. Gorkys were finding the familiar pattern emerging of having to look for players elsewhere. Friends, relatives, flatmates, pet's vets; all were drafted in to help. Villiers in goal proved the difference in the game against Hammered Again as the first game of the evening was won. Unfortunately it also proved the difference against the next two teams, Gorkys suffering their biggest Wandle league defeat, 5 - 0 against Wandsworth Wizzards.
What Gorkys didn't know, what no one knew, was that those two losses were going to be 2 of only 3 defeats in the entire league. The next came in the 4th week and this was against the aforementioned Clapham Comets who exacted a mirror-like revenge on Gorkys by defeating them 2 - 0.
Gorkys then remained unbeaten for the rest of the season. This is a feat that has rarely been accomplished. They went on to win 12 of the last 15 matches, drawing 3. This is a testament to many things, but mostly because for the last 15 matches, the same 5 G boys played week in, week out.
In the penultimate week, Gorkys were all but home and dry. The league leaders inexplicably decided to stay at Glastonbury rather than play for their trophies. That week saw Gorkys take all nine points again and set themselves up for the title. They duly took it on the final week. They needed only one point but got 7, continuing their undefeated run to the end.

This was a dominance that shall be remembered in the pubs.

Remember the names. Bladen, Villiers, Taylor, Davies and Healy.

04.03.04 Pele signs for Gorkys! - W Villiers

On this most otherwise mundane of nights, stars from the world of football convened at London's Natural History museum to celebrate the 100 years of existence of FIFA. In attendance were such greats as Gordon Banks, George Best, Robert Pires, Patrick Viera, the Laudrups, Gary Lineker and Michael Owen. Of course the World's greatest footballer, Pele, was there as well.
I was there as a guest of Chrisite's and as a director of The Football Museum Ltd, which has the largest collection of matchworn football shirts in the country.
Hostesses for the evening were Victoria Silvstedt and Tamara Beckwith so it was hard to keep the footballers attentions. It seemed that neither hostess had managed to rehearse their written speeches or indeed the names of the players that they were calling up to be honoured, but who cared about them.
In preparation for the evening, I had taken a spare Gorkys shirt (number 4) to be signed by Pele.
First, however, I dined with the representatives of Christies who had organised a chartiy auction that evening and whom proved very pleasant company. During the break for coffee, I went in search of the signature of the fooballing god. Alas, despite queueing for over half an hour, I was turned away by Pele's bodygaurds whilst only second in line to get the signature. Not dispirited, I spied Michael Owen and managed to obtain the Liverpool striker's signature. I also wished him congratulations on his engagement, which he thanked me for.
..........................................................
Sitting next to Michael was Gary Lineker so I bagged his signature as well.
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After that it was a stream of signatures with all the players asked doing so without a grumble and with a smile.
Desailly, Bergkamp, Pires, Viera, Matthaus, Platini...they all signed but still I had not bagged the big one.

Then my moment came. I found Pele at a table surrounded by a throng of people. Using my formidable presence, and by presence I mean bulk, I managed to force my way to being eventually sat by the man himself. After patiently waiting for friends and signature hunters to say hello, I managed to get the Gorkys shirt in there....and he signed! Summing up my only three Spanish words, I said "Gracias para Siempre" (Thank you for ever). He said "Di Nada" (It's nothing) and asked about the shirt. I told him that it was my five-a-side team's shirt and that we were in a league in London. He asked how we were doing and I said that we were doing ok now but had a bad start to the season and inquired whether he would come out of retirement to play for us to which he laughed and said "No, my friend I am out of breath from signing these signatures, I think it would be very bad for me to play football now!". We laughed and then that was it...I stood up and shook his hand, said thank you again and walked away with the final and biggest signature of the night.

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11.11.03 Bend Davies Blown away! - W Villiers

Gorkys sometime midfield man Ben Davies has been missing from the team of late and made a triumphant return to Gorkys scoring in a friendly game after WPR had buggered off home early.Davies took to the midfield after two games in goal and managed to score a wonderful solo effort. However his celebration led to a few raised eyebrows as he then proceded to force an opposition defender to the ground and obliged the defender to fellate him.. Astoundingly, no action was taken against Davies by the blind, mindless, totally ineffectual and hoplessly inept referee but rumours suggest that the opposition manager is less that happy with this and is seeking to press charges of sexual harrassment and improper conduct, charges Ben Davies is more than used to. Gorkys manager A. Whankor defended Ben's actions saying "He'd been away from the side due to monetary problems and to score on his return was more than the poor drink addled wreck of a boy could manage to emotionally express, so he did it in the only way he knew how; by grabbing the nearest person and forcing himself sexually upon them". Fellow player Bart Ruspoli said "Ben's a nice lad, he's just misunderstood by other people, about 6.5 Billion other people to be precise".

02.10.03 Roberts Imprisoned - W Villiers

Dan Roberts has been imprisoned in Wales after his marriage to Li Millard was shaken when the photo on the left was revealed by Gorky's hanger-on Ezra Godden who took the photo.The bride's father was seen to grab a shotgun from a near by wall when he saw the photo and witnesses say he left the premises with "a maniacal look in his eye". Dan Roberts was thankfully tracked down by police before Mr Millard could find him and was taken to a remote prison in Gilfach Goch to await prosecution. If found guilty of soliciting help to avoid marital obligations, Roberts will be ordered to do a minimum of 5 years of community service in and around Cardiff. Such duties would involve Daffodil pruning, Sheepherding and Leek...something to do with leeks anyway. Fellow Gorky, Shane Taylor, was heard to comment "Well...you know?" Decisive stuff from the team captain there.

24.09.03 Healy on fire! - W Villiers

James "The Brewery" Healy delighted fans with his 5 goal total performance last night and celebrated by setting himself alight. The screaming Healy, who obviously hadn't been told the dangers of flames near alchohol, went up like a Guy Fawkes bonfire, sparking an impromtu rendition of Kum-By-Ah by several children who had been watching the match and some people were even seen to put baked potatos in tinfoil around the flambed striker. However, there was an unhappy ending tothe evening as both firemen and police seek to charge Healy with Holding an Open Fire in a Public Place and also Unliscenced Street Entertainment. After putting him out, the fire brigade cordoned the charred player off and the police dispersed the children and several other onlookers. Gorkys manager A. Whankor said "What showmanship. His elevated blood alcohol levels probably attributed to the ferocity of the fire, but Jimmy is a true crowd pleaser and he is getting the best of treatment possible". Fellow players are not so magnanomous as Robert Bladen points out; "The guy is a complete idiot. I mean he could have seriously hurt someone. Added to which the police pulled me away before I could get my baked potato". Healy is recovering in the Pub.

16.08.03 Villiers ties the knot! - W Villiers

William Villiers, striker turned mid fielder has finally tied the knot. After 6 and a half long years, will has at last managed to tie his own shoe laces. "About fucking time!" was the response from manager A. Whankor. "The number of times that boy has delayed kick off is inumerable. Thank God he has finally figured it out!" Cynical members of the press have suggested that Villiers may have just bought slip on boots but that's just talking shite. Oh and on another note, Villiers also got married.

22.07.03 Mike Jarvis retires! - W Villiers

Mike Jarvis, long time serving goalkeeper has gone the way of Peter Shilton, Gordon Banks and David Seaman (well Man City is as good as retired isn't it?). Mike announced to his team-mates that he is hanging up the gloves, coat and scarf for Gorkys and will be concentrating on his botanical pursuits. I have been asked to stress BOTANICAL and NOT I repeat NOT BESTIAL. Players and fans alike are sad to see this noble keeper who has saved their fat wobbly behinds more times than dare be mentioned. Thanks a lot Mike and good luck!

21.07.03 Gorkys Champions at last! - R Bladen

Monday night was the last league game of the season and Gorkys were looking to take the title on a nerve wracking night. After last weeks dismal results which saw an 8 point lead reduced to a single point Gorkys needed to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat or risk looking like the "nearly" team they were threatening. Anything short of a win would have been disastrous but a calm, determined Gorkys turned out a truly professional performance. With Michael Jarvis having retired from competative fixtures and Dan Roberts, William Villiers and Chris Day all unable to play Gorkys turned out with no subs available and no regular keeper for the crunch game. A friendly fixture against The Paddy Boys settled nerves and Gorkys enjoyed the slick passing game that had been missing on previous nights. (friendly result 3-1 Gorkys)

... Then the big one... the game that had caused many a sleepless night and threatened to derail Gorkys title challenge .... Akwapim FC

With Jarvis away Bladen donned the keepers jersey for the first half. With Ruspoli in his usual defensive capacity and Taylor free to roam against a Akwapim team reduced to just four players Gorkys controlled the game from the off. Interplay between Healy, Taylor and Shaffik produced the break through within the first two minutes. Shaffik, clear through on goal, slotted home the first and Healy squeezed another from an impossibly tight angle. Match and Title sewn up before half time. Akwapim never troubled the Gorky defense until the second half ... a quick break caught a confident Gorkys square but Bladen was equal to the task, dived to his left and plucked the ball neatly out of the air. Bladen and Shaffik swapped roles early in the second half and although the Akwapim goal was peppered with shots from every angle no more goals were forthcoming. Akwapim were never going to be a match especially after fielding just 4 players but the question remains .... had they realised that this was a must win scenario for Gorkys .... would they have put up more of a resistance?

Let me congratulate Gorkys though..... a thoroughly professional performance throughout the whole season. This team rocks! .... also a big thankyou and deserved praise for the retiring Michael Jarvis. An exceptional goalkeeping talent who will be sorely missed next season and without whom this season wouldn't have ended on such a high note! Cheers Mike and thanks!

02.06.03 La Manga or La La Land? - R Bladen

Mid-season training took place in Scotland at the weekend. Five first team regulars were treated to a three day break at the Park Manor House near Aberdeen. "It was a time to get some rest and recouperation after an arduous first half of the season"... several key members have been struggling with fitness and long term injuries - notably Rob Bladen (knee) and William Villiers (ankle) However, all did not quite go quite according to plan as several Tabloids have been reporting that a drinking culture had blighted the weekend. An air of Secrecy has since surrounded the weekends activities and insiders have firmly denied that anything untoward had happened. "We had a light training session on Saturday and Sunday.... put the lads through their paces with hand eye co-ordination upper body strength - then made sure everyone went through a detox late at night. In an slightly balmy atmosphere it was important that the lads took on a lot of liquid" All team members reported back for action first thing Monday and it looks like the break did them good ......

20.06.03 Villier's ankle a load of Balls? - R Bladen

Speculation is growing over the authenticity of William Villiers ankle injury. A spokesman has suggested off the record that his injury occured during a vigourous footsie session with a 20 stone former male shotput champion from Austria. Hilda Von Panz (formerly known as Arnold Von Panz) was believed to have become a little over excited whilst providing 'menial householding duties'."Ok, ok the truth is out .... It's all rather embarassing" Villiers confessed during an internal investigation, "I've been having a few problems with drainage and water leakage so I asked Hilda to have a look so she fiddled with my stop-cock for a while.... its no big thing! One thing led to another and before i knew it she'd got out all her tools"
"Did you pay her?"
"Of course"
"And the ankle?" our intrepid reporter put to him...
"Tennis".
Enough said.

18.06.03 The Second Comming - S Taylor

For those of you unable to witness this miraculous event, let me pass on my account of proceedings to the best of my ability:
Ruspoli scored another goal!... Yep, the Italian now has two for the campaign. Losing 2-1 to Youngs with little time remaining, Ruspoli picked up the ball just inside the half-way line and let fly. Well, fly would be the wrong expression; the ball somehow imitated the man and as if in slow motion- Steve Austin-esque- the ball crawled from distance at such an angle that the keeper, rooted to the spot, could do nothing about it. The euphoria was felt around the whole of Wandsworth as Taylor and Ruspoli ran towards eachother in celebration. Taylor looked to jump up on Ruspoli, Ruspoli looked to jump up on Taylor, in the end, none of them jumped and opted for a rather gay hug...
Order was restored from the chaos in the following game however. The highlight being Ruspoli's attempt to add a third goal to his repertoire. Through on goal with only the keeper to beat he somehow managed to miss everything and skewered his shot so wide that the referee had to get in his car and drive off to go and fetch the ball back. Ruspoli blamed atmospheric conditions or something, ' There was a breeze that blew in my face man, just as I was about to hit it and I'd set myself up perfectly and everything.'

07.06.03 Villiers questionable for rest of season. - W Villiers

Gorkys midfielder William Villiers is now an injury doubt for the rest of the season after severly twisiting his ankle. Team physio Miss S Wedishhore said (despite being mysteriously out of breath) that Villiers was currently finding out whether he has just twisted his ankle or repeated an injury where he tore his collateral ligament. Villiers was playing tennis with fellow Gorkys Bart Ruspoli and Jimmy Healy and celebrity hanger-on Ezra Godden. Villiers was distraught at the injury, especially as only the day before he had come off his moped at 25 miles an hour without a scratch. However most fans aren't that worried, as it seems the team does better without him anyway!

06.06.03 Healy in scandal! - B Ruspoli

James Healy, the goal-hanging Gorky's wonder goal machine was embroiled in what can only be described as a shocking betrayal of his team. At a party to celebrate Ruspoli's bit of muff's birthday, the team convened to discuss the latest game plans for the upcoming fixtures ( Shoot, hope you get a lucky deflection and count on Jarvis not having had too many drugs/alcohol/unidentifiable being able to pull off a couple of lucky saves) when Healy suddenly dissapeared. A very inhebriated Shafik claimed he saw Healy talking to the "Ugly cunt" from Youngs Special outside. Healy then promptly dissapeared from the party. When questioned about the incident Healy muttered something about "flatmates", "keys", "Pussy" and "drunk".

03.06.03 Gorkys top table! - W Villiers

Gorkys have finally topped the table after 4 weeks of footballing action in the Wandle weeks, Gorkys overtook AFC Coever, who appear to be the team tipped for the title. AFC amazingly failed to show this week and that means that Gorkys, who won all three games this week (including one by default) are 1 point clear at the top with a game in hand of 3 of the chasing pack. Second place Inter Stella, who have really found form this season, are only 1 point behind so the next few weeks are crucial. Gorkys have been in a stronger position than this and closer to the end of the season too, so it will be a test of character to see whether they can hold onto the lead and claim their first league title since starting at Wandle. To see the table click HERE.

02.06.03 Villiers missing for match! - B Ruspoli

Gorkys midfielder William "Jackpot" Villiers, was missing from tonights games. Conflicting reports are flying around the dressing room. Some sources report that he is in Madrid having secret talks with Real, others report that his antics at the Gorkys Hellfire Drinking Club meant that he was "recouperating" and unable to participate. Still others say that he was attending his fiancees dance recital. Whatever the reason, it clearly only served to improve Gorkys performance and maybe Villiers should consider that move to Madrid after all.

12.05.03 By George, he's done it! - W Villiers

Bart Ruspoli has finally scored, and about time too. After 93 matches in the Wandle League, Bart finally managed to put the ball into the back of the oppositions net with what ended up being quite a decent shot. Bart picked the ball up from a pass, about 2 metres outside of the area, and banged it into the net. Unfortunately, the oppostition then scored immediately afterwards because all of the other Gorkys were still standing in open mouthed amazement that he had scored. William Villiers said, "I had already turned away looking to pick up a runner on the counter when I saw that Bart had the ball and was setting up the shot. In fact I reckon the only reason he managed to score was because the keeper was already moving to get the ball from the other court!". Be that as it may, Bart is, if even for only one week, joint top scorer. Well done Bart, its about fucking time.

30.04.03 You lucky Son of a bitch! - W Villiers

John, the brother of Jimmy Healy, Gorkys upfront man, was visiting his girlfriend in Germany. In between giving the Bosch a damned good thrashing (according to Jimmy) John attended a family Bar-B-Q at which he played with the family dog (and, yes, we mean played, not "interfered"). Apparently John spent half-an-hour playing fetch with the dog until at some indefinable point the Jerry mutt decided to clamp down on Johns hand with all its teutonic might. The bite was so bad, that John was rushed to hospital after passing out twice from blood loss. At the hospital, the police gave John the Godlike decision of life or death over the deranged squareheaded dog but, being British, John took it on the chin, showed true stiff upper lip (I said lip, not penis) and said "Nein" to death. Good on you John. Personally this reporter would have made the family watch as the dog was hung by its tail and fed its own entrails before being run over by a steamroller.

15.04.03 Gorkys can only hold on to 3rd! - W Villiers

Gorkys have only just managed to hold onto third place in the league. Analysts have said that Gorkys lost the bid for the title mid season, and lost second place in the last three weeks of the season, gaining only 6 points out of a possible 24 in eight matches. However manager A. Whankor has only made two signings to try to turn around Gorkys season the first being "Fluffy" the one-legged ferret, and Winger Chris Day who returns to the fold after being on loan for two seasons. Chris Day's return helps to ease the burden on Fluffy in the pivotal role played by Bob Bladen who is rumoured to be out for most of next season. Player Ben Davies said "Well, basically we fucked it, didn't we? I mean we fucked it right up the arse!" Most fans agree and with ticket sales in jeapordy, will Gorkys be able to afford the registration fee for next season? Frankly this reporter doesn't give a toss.

14.04.03 Battle for second, third and fourth! - W Villiers

It is now an interesting time for Gorkys. With Boomer having an unassaible lead at the top, the battle for second third and fourth is tighter than Saddam Hussein's sphyncter. The way the table stands, if Gorkys win both games tonight and Youngs Special lose one, then Gorkys will go second, for a second consecutive season. But, converesly, if Gorkys should lose one of theirs, then De Paddy Bhoys have a chance to snatch third and push Gorkys down into the shame of fourth. Paddy Bhoys have not had a good season and their current position is the best they have managed but they are on a run of form so it is going to be an exciting night!

28.03.03 Healy's animal attraction! - W Villiers

Jimmy Healy is in hospital today after recovering from an unpleasant encounter when on a brief charity tour for WWF in Africa. Whilst trecking up the mountains, Jimmy, his guide and two friends were accosted by an aggressive male gorilla, who was protecting his family. Unfortunately, the Gorilla was also quite randy and whilst the other members of the group turned to flee an unluck Healy was grabbed and analy raped by the gorilla. One of the group managed to get this shot of Jimmy just as the gorilla made penetration. This fan site joins the others in wishing Jimmy well.

18.03.03 Gorkys sign one legged ferret! - W Villiers

Gorkys have signed a blind, one legged ferret called "Fluffy" from Jemma Hopkins, 11, his current manager and owner. The deal came with complications as high signing fees were demanded to the tune of one bag of Maltesers and a box of straw. Gorkys somehow conviced the chairman Mr C. Hairman to come up with the money. Manager, A. Whankor said, "This is a great signing for the club. With Bladen out for good...I mean....at least a season...we had to find a natural replacement for him and luckily we found Fluffy who can fit perfectly into Bob's role and with the same abilities as Bob, Fluffy is sure to be a permament fixture in the starting 5." Well it looks good for Gorkys but what about Bob?

17.03.03 Bladen busts kneecap! - W Villiers

Robert Bladen, the (sometime) influential midfielder has fractured his kneecap and will be out for at least 6 weeks which means he misses the rest of this season and will miss most of next. Bladen did this whilst playing football and, instead of coming off when he felt enormous pain during the game, he elected to play on. Twat. He now divides his time between watching the races and having a good wank. "I'm obviously gutted," said Bladen yesterday to anyone who gave a shit. "It means that I can't up my goal tally and hold onto my golden boot." Yes Rob that's right..."I will be back next season and aim to get my place in the team back." However reports that a blind, one legged ferret has been signed up this week means Bladen will struggle to get into the team again. "I'm not saying that Bob's career is over," said manager A. Whankor, "but it is." Well there you have it Gorkyites start buying wreaths right now.

01.03.02 Ben Davies gets England call up. - W Villiers

Ben Davies has finally been confirmed as being called up for England but not in the way that was rumoured since 13.02.03 when this fansite believed he would be talking to Sven Goran Eriksson. In fact Ben got his call up papers today and will actually talking to Sergeant R. Iperedsoff of the Royal Marines. Ben will undergo their severe training course. However due to the demands of the impeding war with Iraq, the training which normally takes several weeks, will be over a period of 45 minutes. Ben was said to be "concerned" by the news and "in need of new underwear". The Gorkys midfielder will be allowed to play one more night at the Wandle ground before he is shipped out. We would like to think that Ben would fight in true Gorkys fashion; flailing arms, closed eyes, screaming like a girl, and holding onto the desperate hope that somehow things will end up OK. Good luck Ben and we salute you! God bless Blighty and the Queen (unfortunately Bart was not able to comment).

29.02.03 Villiers opens his account. - W Villiers

Striker William Villiers has at last opened his account for Gorkys. Villiers was said to have been "pleased" at the result. Onlookers saw Villiers go in, wait for an opportunity and then when it came he took it. They were amazed at his skill with a chequebook and awed at his massive 7.6% APR instead of the normal 5.8%. The high street bank where he chose to make his deposit were overjoyed. General Manager Steffanie Gobblecock was delighted with his performance; "Oh he was very good," she said "He came in, took out his package and said 'Where do you want it love?' I said 'Right here Mr Villiers' pointing at my drawers. He then took out his pen and gave it to me there on the desk. He was such a gentleman and even apologised when he spilled ink all over my blouse. He offered to get me a new one, but I wanted to keep it as a momento, you know?" Villiers is now awaiting the next opportunity to "bank" his formidable "pay-cheque" and score for Gorkys once more.

13.02.03 Ben Goran Eriksson? - W Villiers

Gorkys midfielder Ben Davies has been rumoured to be the next in a line up of players to put on the England shirt. The rumour started at the Durrell pub on the Fulham Rd, when Ben was watching the match against Australia with some fellow Gorkys. During the second half, Ben shouted that England were playing so badly, that he would be getting called up next. At that exact moment, the camera cut to show Erikkson on his mobile and at that exact moment Ben's own phone rang. Ben was quiet during the call but on hanging up, he made his excuses saying he had "to leave immediately". He then left hurriedly without, and this is the most amazing bit, without finishing his drink! Fellow Gorkys member Bart Ruspoli was left incredulous..."I have never seen anything like it! In the 8 years I have known Ben, for him to leave an alcoholic beverage unfinished takes a momentous force". William Villiers said, "I always thought he was going to end up playing for England. Actually someone told me once that Sven was looking for him to play for him. Well at least I think that's what he meant when he said he was on Sven's hit list". The rumours will no doubt hit the back pages soon.

10.02.03 The return of the Taylor. - Bart Ruspoli

Shane Taylor returns to the side after a late fitness test clears him to play. Shane sustained a suspected cracked rib in the last game of last season to Young Special. Later reports have confirmed that it is in fact just a strained intercostal muscle. So basically Shane was being a big girl's blouse. Wussssssyyyyyy!! However Shane also managed to score with his second touch since the comeback. He said, tearfully, "Its great to be back with the lads and the Gaffer has made me feel really cherished. I intend to let my feet do the talking for the rest of the season". A. Whankor, manager, said "Its great to have Shane back in the side and I hope that he can do something to save my job!

01.02.03 New strip. - W Villiers

Mixed reactions have flooded in from fans across the...er...house...as news of a new strip for Gorkys has been announced. Once dark blue emblazoned polo shirts, the strip takes a Sheffield Wednesday twist and is vertical blue and white stipes. Mixed reactions too from the players. Dan Roberts said the following: "What the fuck is this shit? I mean I wouldn't be seen dead in this crap!". Ben Davies, the midfield maestro, said "Finally I own a garment fine enough to be married in!". Manager A. Whankor said "The new strip is a symbol of a new team and a new start to our league ambitions". This reporter says "Bollocks".

26.01.03 League runners up. - W Villiers

After a league title fight that was tighter than one of David Beckham's thongs, Gorkys, once leaders of Monday night league at the Elms, fell to ignominious defeat and settled for a poor Champion's league qualifying second place. Small consolation was found in the solid pewter trophies received by the players, but the manager A. Whankor, said "The lads were asked the full eleven questions and set their stalls out early doors. Unfortunately, heads dropped early on in the crunch match with Young Special and we fucked it in the arse once again. Twats." With such dedication and support to his squad, it is little wonder that Whankor is so revered by his team members.

20.01.03 The return of the "Goalscoring Contraption". - B Ruspoli

Today has seen the return of one of Gorkys most prolific strikers, William Villiers.Described by team mate and fellow upfront man James Healy as a "Goalscoring contraption", Villiers return could herald a dramatic lift in the current form of Gorkys. But it probably won't.

01.11.02 New league for Gorkys. - W Villiers

The Gorkys have now found a new home. The team that electrified the Putney 5s league for so many seasons, winning the Championship more times than they care (or their alcohol addled brains allow them to) remember, Gorkys decided it was time for a change into the southern division of The Elm's 5-a-side league.Amazingly, the Gorkys faired badly in the first league and the fans took to booing the team off the pitch.However, something that can be summed up in one word came into that team; grit (mostly from the astroturf pitch according to the team physio). Who knows what it took to turn the fortunes of this team around; some say it was hard graft and training, others say it was a regular fiver in the ref's pocket, but, hey, that's for the courts to decide.